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after spending 2 hours attempting to push through a chapter of physiology.. i have a yearning to blog. harhar.
it is 12:27 and i've just slammed my book shut due to droopy eyelids that couldn't stand to stare at anymore diagrams of neurotransmitters and ion channels... and other blah dee blah blehs. BUT! despite the LOADS of work i have this semester (mentally AND physically), i am truly happy. i feel as if everything in my life is kind of coming together in a way that i'm satisfied with. i'm motivated, determined, inspired, passionate... all at the same time. yes, i still complain daily about little things, but on a deeper level i possess that drive that i feel was nonexistent last semester. it's quite nice to be in agreement with myself instead of constantly fighting head vs heart.
on another note, i normally like to think that i'm a refined scorpio, meaning i'm able to rise above some of the more negative traits of this sign; possessiveness, jealousy, stalkerish... hahaha you get the picture. i'm mentioning this because it makes me laugh when every once in a while a situation is thrown at me where those type of feelings just naturally arise. they bug me because most of the time they are stupid unnecessary feelings and yet i can't help feeling them. it makes me feel like i'm in middle school again. UGH! and it's not because i'm insecure!!! luckily, i've had lots of practice coping and am USUALLY able to suppress them enough so i don't appear to be a total psycho. i think my handling of these feeeeeelings are a sign of maturity.. because i remember how i used to be when i was younger, openly expressing my jealousy & possessiveness. NOT good. the only positive thing about these feelings are that they're a reassurance of how much i want whatever is making me feel negative in the first place. because for me i'm either passionate about something or very very indifferent.
ok i'm tired... and realized how creepy that astrology rant sounds so i'm stoppingggggg.... NOW.
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A few hours ago I received a call from the coordinator of my Brazil abroad program asking me which school I'd prefer to attend. It kind of put me in a state of excitement and shock. About a year ago I applied for this program and made it in. At the time I felt exhilarated and ready to pack my bags and leave. Since then, little information was given to me regarding the program so I began to get wary and skeptical that I would actually study abroad. Now that I've been called with the question of "which school do you want to go to?" it's really hitting me. Yes, I'm excited beyond words but I'm also quite scared. I will be away from my home, my friends, my family, my school, my city, MY COMFORT ZONE for a whole semester! I know it will be the experience of a lifetime, I just can't help but feel a little uneasy at being away from everything I adore. But alas, this is a part of life, venturing out on your own, experiencing, living in a totally different community and culture of people. It will change me forever... in a good way I'm sure! It's just a big jump for me. Some of my friends have already had the whole 'college away from home experience'. They already know what it's like to be away from home, to live with people they aren't necessarily comfortable with, to be alone in a sea of strangers... I guess my turn is coming up?
Anyway, that's a couple months away. As for now I need to decide.. Universidade Federal de Santa Catarina or Universidade de Pernambuco? hm.. decisions decisions.
P.S. school sucks. it makes me tired and sick.
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I can't believe I'm about to start my 4th week of the semester! What the heck have I been doing? Sadly, this is the first weekend where I'm starting to feel the pressures of school and all the work that comes along with it. Normally, at the beginning of a new semester I set goals for myself and predict how I think my semester will turn out. Now that it's been 3 weeks, I think I can accurately gauge what will become of me for fall 2009.
This year Summer was different. I can't really say if it was better or worse... it was just different. Luckily, I was able to figure out what I want and realized where my priorities lie at this time in my life. School school school is what I'll mainly be focusing on. No more major distractions. No more major procrastination! (starting TODAY not tomorrow.. hah) I predict this semester will be full of stressful study sessions, inadequate sleep, pimples, and a constantly sore body.
On another note, a part of me feels slightly empty. It's not a sad emptiness, but more of a weird realization. Now that he has gone off to school, it finally hit me that he's gone. He's starting a whole new chapter of his life; new environment, new experiences, new friends, ...new loves? I'm not upset at this thought, I'm actually quite happy for him, but it's still strange to contemplate. We're not a team anymore, but two separate entities finding our own life paths. Although we barely communicated this summer, I still felt like he was there if I really needed someone to talk to. Now that he has left to UCLA, it as if he's disappeared to some far off land, a different world perhaps. He came over Thursday night to sort of visit, and as he left to hang out with other people, I felt like it was our final good-bye. Who knows the next time our paths will intertwine? Who knows how much time will change us? Anyway, I wish him the best of luck and hope that we won't totally lose contact.
Now that I've blogged to my heart's content for the first time in months, it's time to crack down and read some physiology and do my lab report for chemistry.
Until next time...
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it's been about two months and i still feel like the decision i've made is the best one for me right now. overall, i've been way less depressed and it feels like the mask i've been living behind for months has been lifted. i'm finally starting to breathe and be myself again.
even with all these emotional improvements, i can't lie and say that there aren't days where i wake up hurting. i still have moments where it simply takes glancing at a photo to make the tears pour. there are days when i question my choices and wonder if it's what i really want. i hate being so damn emotional sometimes. along with that, i'm secretly emotional!! if there's anything that makes me feel more uncomfortable than feeling vulnerable, it's feeling that vulnerability in front of others.
i don't like the unknown. it scares me so to think that my present decisions negatively affect my future. i crave securtiy grrr. i feel like before i had a much clearer vision of what my future held... and now it's all a mystery. i guess i need to learn to appreciate the surprises of life. even if i can't see what's ahead... it's good that i'm presently happy, right?
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| i wanted to move my summer list to the top of my xanga. :] anatomy at golden west i've decided against summer school.  - have a SUCCESSFUL grunion run (trying but failed total: 1)
host or go to at least one bonfire - have a picnic in the park
- ride bike at the beach
AX for my first time! work [at OC fair? anywhere?] i was a carney slave- be selfish and go on a mini shopping spree with paycheck!
- boogieboarding day!
- try RAMEN @ shin sen gumi
- try Pink’s hot dogs
- girl’s night in/sleepover
- cooking/baking day
ROCK BAND THEME PARTY! EPIC.- chunky dunking...!
 - ROAD/DAY TRIP[s] (Santa Barbara? San Diego?) KKD love!
- start jogging again. ugh. i try at least once a week... hahaha.
- find a tide pool and play!
- read at least 4 books
- gay clubbing!
- go to PROM (nom nom)
- nude beach
join me in these activities! i want them all done before september ends!
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